Ageing Well: Housing options and alternative modes of living in later life - Home sharing

[Introduction] 

This is a Research in Practice podcast, supporting evidence-informed practice with children and families, young people and adults.  

Mary: Hello everyone and welcome to this Research in Practice podcast. My name is Mary Robson and I'm a Research and Development Officer. Today in this podcast we're going to be exploring older people's experiences of specialised and innovative housing models. And this builds upon and brings to life our recent evidence review entitled Ageing well – Housing options and alternative modes of living for later life which can be found on our website. Today I'm absolutely delighted to welcome Alison and Betty who are home sharers. So, welcome both of you. How are you today?  

Alison: Thank you. We're very well, thank you. Well, I'm very well. How are you, Betty?  

Betty: I'm fine, dear, thank you, yes.  

Mary: Brilliant. So, would you like to introduce yourselves?  

Alison: Yes. I'm Alison. So, I'm Betty's home sharer. I am 58. I work as a therapist and a student mentor. And which is work that I'm very passionate about. And I've been doing that for many years and I still love it. So, I'm absolutely delighted to be involved in work that helps facilitate supporting people in their development. I love walking. I love reading. I love swimming. That's me. Betty.  

Betty: I'm Betty. My birth certificate says I was 100 in May 2021. Sometimes I think they're right, but sometimes I'm like the song sixteen going on seventeen. I had a very happy childhood on a farm. So, I'm a country lover. Love animals, nature, people. I'm bossy and nosy. Always interested in people. And I love books. I taught English at secondary level for twenty years and loved it and then in my early forties I married a lovely man and we adopted two children. So, I gave up full-time teaching and did all sorts of odd jobs. My dear husband died just over a year ago. I have a very caring family who ensure that I could remain as independent as possible. I'm nearly blind, arthritic and increasingly deaf. But amazingly good considering that I'm as old as I am. And I'm very well looked after and have a very happy full life with lots of friends and a great support system.  

[Background to home sharing] 

Mary: Fantastic. Well, I'm, yes, so delighted that you're both here and really excited to talk to you both today. So, shall we start, if you could just tell us a little bit about what home sharing is maybe for listeners who've never heard of home sharing before.  

Alison: Yes, well, for me, home sharing is, generally an older person who has accommodation available in their home and they want to stay at home and be supported at home for as long as possible, invites a home sharer to come and live in their home with cheaper accommodation in return for support, a presence in the house, some companionship, helping with day-to-day living really.  

Mary: And what were some of the reasons for choosing home sharing?  

Alison: I'm always up for an adventure. So, I saw the advert and I saw this different way of living and different way of sharing a house with someone and I thought, 'Well, I'm really interested in doing that, and I'd like to look at another alternative about living.' I've lived in lots of shared houses with people and I saw this advert with Betty and I thought, 'Yes, I'm curious, interested and I would like to see what this is all about.  

Mary: Brilliant. And Betty, what were your reasons for choosing home sharing?  

Alison: What were your reasons, Betty?  

Betty: I had a good support system and a very caring family who did everything to make it possible for me to continue to live in my own home independently. But I was alone overnight and they were a bit worried about this because I'm obsessed with security. I think I've got a bit of OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). So, I'd check and double and treble check taps and switches and things. And my son's partner saw details of this home share and said, 'Would you like to try?' And I wasn't quite sure but I thought maybe it was a good idea. And it worked much better than I thought it would. It works absolutely fine. It's been a tremendous help to me.  

[Process of becoming a home sharer] 

Mary: Fantastic. That's brilliant. And I'm just wondering, what was the process like to become a home sharer? How did that work?  

Alison: Well, I was looking for accommodation in the city, so I saw this advert on the SpareRoom website that said, 'low-cost accommodation in return for some help around the house'. So, I applied to the agency then I spoke to the coordinator at the agency. So, I had a, I think they do call it an interview, to check me out a bit and find out a bit more about me. I filled in application forms, which included reference checks and DBS checks. And it was a step-by-step process really. So, I filled out all the forms, had the meeting. We had a phone call arranged with Betty and her son and partner so we could all hear each other. And then we arranged a meeting. And when I came to meet Betty at her house, her son and partner were here as well as her daytime carer and her daytime carer's granddaughter. So, I had a whole family experience of meeting everyone. After that, I understand from the coordinator at the agency that she was checking in with both of us to see if we wanted to carry on going ahead, which we did. So, it felt like a very helpful, useful, step-by-step process along the way. And once I moved in, again, check in with the agency after a couple of days, then at the end of that week and then in a month. So, I think the beauty of the agency is that any time either of us can get in touch if there's any problems that arise that we feel we can't deal with. There's the safety net, the security, there's the agreement that we both have signed to say what we understand, what we know that the house share is all about.  

Mary: So, it sounds like quite a thorough process.  

Alison: Yes. It was for me. What do you think Betty?  

Betty: Well, the agency sent us details of one person and it sounded promising but she decided against it. Then they sent us details of a second one and the same thing happened. So, this was the third one. So, they took a lot of trouble in finding a suitable person. During the trial period, our original plan for the rooms didn't really work out. Alison was not altogether happy when she tried the set up that we'd got, so we didn't want to give up by that time, we decided that we liked one another so well we wanted it to work. So, we moved things around. And we met one another halfway. And we've now got a system that works very well. She's got a different room from what we originally planned. It meant that the room had to be redecorated. But we reached an agreement whereby we provided the materials and Alison decorated as she wanted and we provided a rug and things like that and it's worked extremely well. In fact, better than what we originally planned. But right through, the agency supported us and listened to our advice. And I'm very glad that we didn't give up at the first hurdle. Would you agree with that Alison?  

Alison: Absolutely Betty, absolutely, yes.  

[Daily routine, activities and boundaries] 

Mary: Fantastic. Fantastic. And what's an average day like in your home as home sharers? What's that like?  

Alison: Day to day, we get up. We usually have a bit of breakfast together Betty, don't we?  

Betty: Yes.  

Alison: Well, Betty's usually had her breakfast before me, but we meet in the kitchen, have a cuppa, talk about our plans for the day, chew over the cud a bit, don't we? Talk about life, the universe and everything, what's going on with both of us, and I generally work in the afternoons, and Betty has her daytime carer coming in in the afternoons, so we often have a chit-chat along the way, or sometimes I help Betty with phone calls, or post, or anything like washing, or anything like that. And sometimes we hang out in the evening, don't we? We both love reading, so we're reading The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama at the moment, which is very stimulating, and provoking lots of questions, Betty.  

Betty: Very much so.   

Mary: I bet.  

Betty: 'I don't understand that, what do you make of it?'  

Mary: How about you, Betty?  

Betty: Well, I think Alison has described what happens, really. She is not a carer, we have to remember that, but she is very kind and does all sorts of odd things like making the odd cup of tea, and saying, 'Shall I open that letter for you?' Or, 'Do you want me to find a number on the phone?' But she is not a carer, we must remember that, and not take advantage. But we really spend quite a bit of time together, and enjoy discussing things. I'm always interested in news of her family, she's interested in news of mine, and we discuss all sorts of things. Get on very well, really.  

Alison: We do.  

Betty: It's like having another member of the family there, really. But she also has her own life and her own interests, and so do I.  

Alison: I mean, we do have a written agreement with the agency, which is I live in the house as part of the family, I provide approximately 60 hours a week of time with Betty, companionship, helping around the house. I cook meals for Betty at the weekend, on Saturday and Sunday. I love cooking, so I love suggesting lots of recipes, often I dig out these cards from Waitrose that have these recipes, say, 'Do you fancy that, Betty?'  

Betty: Yes, you do.  

Alison: So, yes, there's a written down structure, I suppose it's about the boundaries. Like Betty says, it's to spell out that I'm not Betty's carer, I think it's important to have that spelt out, really, because Betty does have a carer in the morning, a carer at lunchtime, and during the weekdays a carer in the afternoon, and at the weekend her son is her official carer. So, I think that's important, to have that boundary, but around that boundary, for me, it's just a fantastic setup, I think it's a brilliant concept, I think it's a brilliant idea, and it works really well for me. I think it works for us, because Betty is inspiring, Betty is an inspiring human being, and sometimes I look at her and think, 'You're 100 years old,' but like Betty said, sixteen going on seventeen, she's interested in life. So, for me, it's like I'm living with someone who's alive, which is fantastic.  

Mary: And, kind of, I guess, linked to that, what do you most enjoy about home sharing?  

Alison: For me, I really enjoy Betty's company. We laugh together lot, that's crucial for me. And Betty has often said we're both, sort of, as dotty as each other, which I completely agree with. And it's just lovely to be part of Betty's life, and for Betty to be part of my life. It has worked out so much better than I was expecting. Yes, it's great. When I came round to see Betty and Betty said, 'What do you think?' I said, 'Well, I'm up for the adventure if you are,' and it is an adventure, it's like a whole new-, yes, something I hadn't imagined I would be doing, but it's great. How about you, Betty?  

Betty: Absolutely agree. I think it was the fact that she thought of it as an adventure which attracted me, and she is absolutely part of the family now. When I had my birthday celebration, she was part of it. But also, you have to respect the boundaries as she said. She's not a carer, but she's very kind, and she does all sorts of things that she doesn't have to do. But if you're not careful, you get in the habit of taking that for granted, and you mustn't do that. The other day, my son, who's my Sunday carer, overslept, and he said, 'Do you really need me?' And I said, 'Well, you know, there's all the locking up and everything to do,' and he said, 'Can't Alison do that?' And I said, 'Look, we mustn't take Alison for granted. She's not a carer.' And the danger is that you slip past the boundaries without realising it. Would you agree with that, Alison?  

Alison: Yes. So, it's for both of us, isn't it, to just be mindful of that boundary?  

Mary: And it sounds like open communication is really present in the home sharing setup, and between yourselves as well, definitely.  

Alison: Absolutely. And Betty always says to me, 'be honest’, because when we had the issue with the room at the start, Betty said, 'Be honest, is it the room? Is it just about the room that's making you think you don't want to stay?' And I said, 'Yes, it is the room,' and we sorted that out. So, absolutely you need to be honest, because that's the way for communication to work, isn't it?  

Betty: I think honesty is perhaps the most important thing, because what drives you dotty is not the big things, it's the little things. And you have to be able to say, 'Look, I find this annoying,' or, 'I find this difficult,' without the other person taking offence. And particularly when you're dealing with an elderly person, you have to be able to put yourselves in their shoes, and some of the things that don't seem obvious in fact are very important. For example, if you're blind, and people move things for what seems to them a good reason, it can be terribly frustrating, because the blind person puts things where she can find them. She has to find them by feel, she can't see them, and if you shift them, no matter how good a reason you may have for shifting them, it can throw her completely. You also have to realise that you are dealing with a blind and elderly person, she will be irritatingly slow, you will have to keep repeating what you say, and it can drive some people dotty. I think it's just (a) you have to be honest, (b) it's important that you respect the other person's privacy. I don't go into Alison's room without asking, she doesn't come into mine without asking. You have to know where the lines are drawn, even when you become very fond of one another, you've still got to keep those boundaries that are respected. I'm very bossy, and Alison tells me I'm being bossy. I'm also very nosy, and I hope she'll tell me when I'm being unduly nosy.  

Alison: But I think Betty's spot on, you know, there are quite a few examples when I first moved in about moving things. I'm in the kitchen and I think, 'Well, that's better over there,' and then I realise that things are in a certain place for a reason, because Betty can't see and she's feeling her way for where things are. So, it was very interesting to go through that process really, 'Oh, I wonder why that's there, I'm going to put it in a better place,' and Betty's saying, 'Where is the-,' and I'm like, 'Oh, I've moved it to be out of the way, but it's in the way for a reason.' So, it's that empathy thing of putting yourself in somebody else's shoes.  

Mary: And honesty about living together and what works.  

Alison: Yes.  

[Advice when considering home sharing] 

Mary: And do you have any, kind of, advice for anyone who's thinking about home sharing? Anything they might want to consider, or anything that you think would be helpful?  

Alison: I know when I went through the process prior to coming to Betty's, I would, as somebody who's wanting to go into someone's home, really check for yourself if the person wants you there. Because the home share that I went to prior to coming to Betty's, the family really wanted me to be in the house to be a presence for their elderly mother, but the mother didn't really want me there. So, that would be my big piece of advice, really check as you go through the process that the person actually wants you there. It's about communication, and being a companion to someone. And as Betty said, you need to have patience and tolerance if you haven't been around an older person before. You know, as Betty said, she can't hear very well, she can't see very well, so it's about just being considerate of that. Any advice that you would give, Betty, or considerations for people?  

Betty: I think we've covered the most important things. It's not for everybody.  

Alison: No.  

Betty: It's quite difficult when you've had a husband that you loved very much, and it's been your home together, to have somebody else come in. And I wondered whether it would work. I think the reason that it does work is that I find people endlessly interesting, but I don't think it would necessarily work for everybody. If you think, 'This is my home and Dick's home, and this is the way we've always had it, and I don't want anything changed,' it's going to be difficult. I think one of the great advantages, though, is that it keeps the old brain ticking over. It's a great mental stimulus, getting used to somebody different, new ideas. And that is good, because you can so easily, sort of, deteriorate mentally when you get older. And it's a challenge to learn to live with somebody else, and it's good for you.  

Mary: Brilliant.  

Betty: Would you agree with that, Alison?  

Alison: Absolutely, Betty, I like a challenge myself, you're good for me. Betty was saying, 'Well, why are you doing that?' And I think, 'That's a very good question, Betty, why am I doing that?'  

Mary: And it sounds like you have a lot of fun together as well, and a lot of laughter and companionship.  

Betty: But again, you have to have guidelines. I am bossy, and she tells me what she's doing, and sometimes I think, 'You're not doing the right thing,' so I say, 'Well, why don't you do so-and-so?' And it's her life, it's not my life, but it's because I'm a born teacher.  

Alison: I know, and I've said to my friends, 'I can tell that Betty was a teacher, because she's full of questions which are very interesting and provoking questions,' as teachers ask you questions, you think, 'Hmm, okay.' But it's stimulation for me as well.  

Betty: Yes, but it can go too far. You can't run other people's lives for them.  

Alison: But we do have a lot of fun together, and I can say to you, 'That's enough bossiness, thanks very much.'  

Betty: You know, sometimes she must think, 'Do I really want to live with a teacher all the time?'  

Mary: And is there anything else important that I've missed that you'd like to share?  

Alison: I think I would want to-, you know, I'm really delighted to have the invitation for us to be able to talk about it with you, that you're doing research into this, because I think it's a fantastic concept, and I think it's a fantastic thing when it works in practice. And when I told friends and family that I was entering into this, nobody's heard of it, but I think it's something that could just really help change living situations for older people, for younger people. But, you know, the agency we're with is about generations, it's generations meeting up, and it's a community thing. You know, I just think it's fantastic. Anything you want to add, Betty?  

Betty: No, I would absolutely agree with that. A lot of my friends have been most interested and said, 'Well, we've not heard of this.' And I think there are a lot of people who could benefit from it, and it's a pity that it's not better known. It's not for everybody, that's true, but when it does work, it's been a tremendous help, it's completely changed my life, and I'm very grateful.  

Mary: Fantastic. Well, we hope this podcast will go some way to, kind of, opening up imaginations around the possibilities of home sharing, and that it's an option for later life as well. So, it's been absolutely fantastic to speak to you both today, and I'm so pleased that you've joined us and shared your experience, so thank you very, very much.  

Alison: You're very welcome, Mary, thank you.  

Betty: Thank you, Mary.  

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